


The crystal gems read Marx and decide to destroy capitalism

by PostTeenager



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3806995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PostTeenager/pseuds/PostTeenager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, Pearl, what are you reading?” Amethyst asked, startling the living hecks out of Pearl.</p><p>“Oh, uhm, Ametyst.” Pearl replied, trying to regain her composure. “Uh, it’s an old book I found in Greg’s garage while we were cleaning up. Uh, The Communist Manifesto? It’s quick reading.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The crystal gems read Marx and decide to destroy capitalism

**Author's Note:**

> "A moving, excellently orchestrated work about life, love, teamwork, and the removal of Rand Paul voters from the general vicinity. Seriously though, what would we do without the Crystal Gems" - amaryllis-lu

“Hey, Pearl, what are you reading?” Amethyst asked, startling the living hecks out of Pearl.

“Oh, uhm, Ametyst.” Pearl replied, trying to regain her composure. “Uh, it’s an old book I found in Greg’s garage while we were cleaning up. Uh, _The Communist Manifesto_? It’s quick reading.”

“Books are for eggheads. Eggheads like you, and your super eggy egg head. A bird person with an egg for a head. Eggbird. Headbird egg mom lady. Fuck you.”

“Amethyst what on earth are you talking about.” Pearl raised an eyebrow.

“UGHH. I’m just saying books are boring.” Said Amethyst, laying across the arm of the couch. “No one learned anything in a book that you couldn’t learn on the streets!”

“Amethyst, I’m trying to read!” Pearl scolded. “Go, uhh, play punchies with Steven, or something. And try not to teach him anything about the _streets_.”

It took Pearl less than an hour to finish the pamphlet, but she spent the two weeks pacing the house.

“Is something wrong with Pearl.” Garnet asked. “She’s been pacing for two weeks now.”

“Oh, she’s just class-concious now.” Amethyst snarked. “It’s tough for some gems to reconcile.”

“The people united will never be defeated!” Pearl squawked “Workers of the world, unite!!”

“She’ll get over it before long, honestly.” Said Amethyst. “Everybody knows that Bakunin is the more serious philosopher, anyway.”

“Amethyst.” Pearl scoffed, disbelieving. “Don’t you know Bakunin is a counter-revolutionary? A useful fool for the bourgeoisie. His understanding of dialectics is fundamentally flawed!”

“Uh, how’s THIS for flawed?” Amethyst asked, using her shapeshifting abilities to give herself a black bandana. “Arr! Affinity groups! Black blocs!”

“Ugh, you’re an accelerationist.” Pearl looked disgusted. “I should have known. Put that molotov cocktail away before you hurt yourself!”

“Yeah, and _you’re_ no fun!” Said Amethyst, shapeshifting into a dark purple clone of Pearl. “Oh look at me, I’m going to read books. I’m going to go to start a vanguard party so I can be the big shot! Eating out of dumpsters is gross!”

“Amethyst, eating out of dumpsters _is_ gross. And how else are we going to implement a dictatorship of the proletariat without a vanguard party?”

“Uh, a united front, or something, maybe?” Said Amethyst. “What are you gonna do, icepick me!?”

“Crystal Gems.” said Garnet, summoning her gauntlets. “Stop fighting.”

“Oh, and which side are YOU on, Garnet?” Asked Amethyst. 

“Yeah, Garnet, which side!?”

“Um.” Garnet replied, pausing. “Uh. I like Chomsky.”

Amethyst and Pearl EXPLODED. 

“CHOMSKY!? What is there to like about that neoliberal-”

“-counterrevolutionary-”

“-lifestyle anarchist-”

“-pseudointellectual-”

“-academic elitist-”

“-Globalist-”

“-Noam Chomsky, REALLY!?”

Garnet hushed them with a finger to her lips.

“He’s old, and he’s got a creaky voice. I think he would make a good pet. His hair seems soft.” She explained, and they exploded again.

The clamor was silenced instantly the moment the screen door opened. It was Steven. “Hey, what are you guys shouting about?” He asked. “…Why is Amethyst dressed as a pirate?”

“Well, Steven- the black bloc is a-” Amethyst began.

“Amethyst, shut up, for goodness sake. You bought that bandana at hot topic. You’re not punk rock. You’re not insurrectionary.” Said Pearl.

“There’s no ethical consumption under late capitalism, duh.” Amethyst said. 

“Wait…” Pearl seemed to freeze. “…Steven, what on EARTH are you wearing!?”

“Oh, this?” Steven turned around to show off the back of his t-shirt. There was a big red elephant and the words ‘STAND WITH RAND’ in big letters. “There were kids handing them out on the boardwalk. Cool, huh?”

“Steven, take that shirt off at once.” Pearl said, grimly. “We’re going to the boardwalk.”

Amethyst cracked her knuckles.

Later, on the boardwalk, there was a gigantic explosion. “Fire!” Pearl yelled. “Fire!” And sand and debris filled the air as the “Youth for Rand Paul” brigade scattered.

“Ugh. Tankies.” Muttered Amethyst, lassoing the lot of them with her whip. “This is what we do with capitalists in beach city.” She swung her whip, and they disappeared into the sky, but not before crying in unison “We’re blasting off agaiiinnnn (to new hampshire)!!~!!~!”

As first responders arrived to put out the fires, Pearl and Amethyst shared a moment to look out at the ocean. “I guess anti-fascism is the first step to leftist solidarity, you revisionist anarchist scum.” Said Pearl.

“I guess so, tankie garbage.” Smiled Amethyst. “Uh.. Where’s Garnet and Steven?” 

“Oh, she said she was doing a talk at the United Nations. Steven wanted to get some ice cream.”

“Oh, huh.”


End file.
